" My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26
What powerful words. I have come to realize that I alone am a failure. As harsh as that sounds, it's true. I say hateful things, I have too much pride, I procrastinate to an extreme amount when studying (like now), and I don't exercise and take care of my health the way I should. The list goes on and on but that's about all my selfish heart can come to grips with right now (oh yea add selfishness to the list). Truth be told, we all fail. No matter how many baskets you've made, homeruns you've hit, degrees you have framed on your office wall, or even how many patients' lives you've saved, we set ourselves up for failure the minute we say, "I've got this."
"My flesh and my heart may fail." My flesh and heart have let me down many many times. As I'm sitting here attempting to study for my finals in summer school, I start feeling defeated. I've barely slept and my medicine cuts my appetite. Naturally I'm at an energy deficit and start to think to myself I can't do this anymore. I have 3 exams this week, then get to turn around and study 2 more weeks for the PCAT (It's the MCAT for Pharmacy School... a.k.a. hard.) and I think how am I going to be able to remember everything I've learned in college for one exam? And on top of that, this exam is to determine my future? Oh yea, and after all these tests I have a little thing called Rush where I am the Assistant Recruitment for Kappa (at least there are 3 of us sharing these duties!) I'm feeling this sense of worry, or anxiety if you will, because I'm relying on my own strength, which will never be enough.
I'm one who wants to do everything on their own. You could say I'm a little bit defiant. The fact that I feel tired, fuels me to want to succeed all the more. My mom says I burn my candle at both ends just to accomplish a task with perfection. As humans, we have expectations of ourselves and when we don't meet them we fill our minds with the idea of not being good enough. God is continually reminding me that having Him as the center of my life is enough. Heck I even screw up Ramen noodles. I am definitely dependent on others whether I like it or not. It's like a guy putting something together without the instructions. I go through life thinking I can do things on my own without His instruction. I get to a point where I think it's smooth sailing then bam, I hit a brick wall. I stop listening to Him and rely on my own strength, and the end result isn't pretty.
Okay enough of the negativity. The thing I love about this verse is the word BUT. It's such a small, yet powerful word and it can completely change the context of the message.
This part gives me hope, "but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." It shows me that I can become successful, I can cook Ramen, and I can have a heart like His. In order to do this, I have to fully submit everything to Him and let Him work through me. Having the tendency to be a leader makes it a bit hard not wanting to take control of my life. But why would I not want to give everything to the One who created the heavens and the earth? Because I sure as heck know I couldn't have done a better job. Sometimes as Christians we want to have our cake and eat it too. I've said it multiple times, "Hey God you know I love you and I want to be a follower, but I kinda don't need your help with this so I'm just gonna do it on my own then come to you later, okay? Thanks for understanding. You're so great!" We want to be a follower, but lead our own life. Well my friends it simply cannot be done. If you've found a way to live like this then please introduce yourself. You are actually probably in denial. Another problem we have which makes us think we can do it on our own.
Figuring out it's acceptable and necessary to ask for help is honestly a relief. It takes off the pressure to live up to the expectations the world or even I set for myself. I never realized how exhausting it can be trying to carry my own weight. God never intended for us to do that. He sent his Son to carry the weight of this world on His shoulders at the cross. We aren't strong enough to carry one person's weight yet Christ can carry everyone at once? Talk about true strength. That makes the worlds strongest man on ESPN look weak. God is humbling me daily by showing me where my strength comes from now, and where it should come from, Him. He is breaking me down piece by piece to prove to me that I am inadequate on my own, and need Him to be successful. He is surfacing my weaknesses to show how empty my cup is, and in order to be filled back up I am to become less prideful and more dependent on Him. For His love, His mercy, and His strength. And I love it. Now I know when I give myself to Him, He will renew me every single time.
Alone I am nothing, but with Christ I become everything.
That's an accomplishment worth framing.
Morgan Elizabeth
